If only live is as easy as this....

I left the city for the weekend last Thursday night, it only means I left my laptop, my sad room and my portal to the other world. I'm at my parent's house right now to do some family obligations. I was with my so-called adopting family last night, had fun drinks with my sisters, good morning times and lunch later. This is the kind of life that I wanted, simple and light, going in and out from my parent's house and hang-out with my friends for some times. Now, I am meeting my college buddies and it was just a good timing, one of our friend gave birth to her baby boy, our first baby in our circle. I cant wait to see them in a while.

I decided to put off all my communication devices from the world, actually not, I am invisible at my Skype, left a voice message to my telephone, offline at Facebook, not answering calls and not giving any signs that I can access the cyber world anytime. Maybe this is not a good or right idea but this is what I wanted. I admit, I want to see who are the people who will give a shit to me, people who really cares, people who will be worried and people who will take time looking for me. Right now, I've been checking my accounts but no one does.

But who cares? Some people who I care about just don't give a shit. I have people who loves me, I can be a wealthy person without them, I don't have to take care of there life issues, I don't have to adjust my schedule just to catch up with them and I don't even have to be a friend of them. It's a relief to be free from the chains they attached me from them. Now, it's lighter and definitely, I can move on.

At this point, I feel some sort of silence, freedom and happiness. Silence from the chaos of thoughts that echoes in my head. Freedom from the want-to-be-selfish-me. And happiness to see people that still cares for me. It feels like a new start. It feels like you are a newly restored person, dormant and antagonist people can be easily erase. It would be a simple one when nothing is complicated and my happiness is within the circle.

It's humiliating to admit but yes, a small voice is coming from the dying part of me.. if only life is as easy as this.

Why I am writing?

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough cause it was not said to you and that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you. Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?

In this down part of my life, I tried all means of coping strategies to keep me away from misery. I started to find jobs that can occupy my spare time. Beautified my room and did all the works by my self to keep me busy in my apartment. Asked my friends for a dinner with me. Worked hard researching for my Marketing job. After all of this, I still end up in my room, facing my laptop and waiting for him to appear in my screen.

I am fully aware, my heart is screaming out loud from pain, my body starts to weaken from sleepless night, my eyes endeavor not to be drown from my tears, my lips will voluntarily to talk for me and my brain would choose to be in coma so I can stop playing the movie of him.

In the track of my life, this is drama keeps repeating itself. Maybe my friends wont admit, but my track already sounds like a band who plays bad. I am not saying that my friends already gave up on me, I believe that I can still run and rely to them. But for now, I choose not to. I admit, I am restless for being in the same situation every now and then for a long time now.

Then, I came to a realization, escaping from hurt and denial is just an illusion and does not take me out of the hole. I stopped going for job interviews, for end I keep deciding not to push through the offered job. I stopped adding more stuffs in my room, surprised to see how narrow it is that I can breath. I stopped inviting my friends for dinner because yes, I look like a looser. And I stopped overwhelming my data sheets and started to do the interactive works. Still I am ending inside my room, facing the laptop, waiting and finally talk to me.

Seems like my world vanished behind me, all I can see is my computer, the port to vanished world. All of me is exhausted but a part of me keeps the fate that I can make it through this. I was inspired to be back in writing. Now, I can find better jobs in the internet, I can talk to my friends without disturbing them, I can get use with my narrow room and spend time working on my Marketing Plan. And I must admit, spending more time waiting for him and worse, writing about him?

Some people might even think I am pathetic and hopeless romantic. I am like most of the other writers, we write with emotions, pains and struggles. We are intelligent idiots. We let the world know how it will be like become a looser. We run into writing to save us from misery. I would agree that writing would help as an outlet of UNSAID emotions but in the end part, I need to do what I exactly need to do.

I build my self up and fly around in circles wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle. finally could this it be?

I was inspired by the song Chasing Pavements by Adele. Yes, it can be a theme song of this chapter of my life.

Visibly Invisible

A person does not live to exist, rather to exist to live. I grew up with assumption that each 6.97 Billion individuals in the world has their own purpose of existence. A purpose to live and exist.


I am debating on the question on when does one person starts to exist. A part of me thinks that a person starts to exist once it got out of a woman's womb and started to breath in their own. The other side of me believes that it is when a woman started to conceive. I strongly believe, once a male gamete or sperm fertilized a female gamete or the egg a person started to exist. Existence exist when a person has life, heath beat and cability to be human.


Then living is the next step. Existing is not a choice of a person, thus being born and conceived is a natural fate. Living is either a choice or not. An infant lives not because of their choice but because of their parents will. Of course, a child is an underdeveloped human, their existence is born to survive. Then a person grow and become an individual who lives in its own. In this point, living is a matter of choice.


Each person survives for existence, a person who breaths and a heart beat is considered to be existing. In some point of life, as a developed human the definition of living has become complex. Living is not merely to survive the daily basis of life nonetheless living with a purpose.


Now, I come into the realization that living does not always come with existence. These two words serves their own definition. Exist is to physically stand in life however Live is to become meaningful not just some people's life but most importantly to its own life.


An individual is not born just to live for existence. A person must go beyond existence and stand up to serve the purpose of humanity. Live with no limit. Live not for someone or something but for itself. Live to give love. And live to be loved.