If only live is as easy as this....

I left the city for the weekend last Thursday night, it only means I left my laptop, my sad room and my portal to the other world. I'm at my parent's house right now to do some family obligations. I was with my so-called adopting family last night, had fun drinks with my sisters, good morning times and lunch later. This is the kind of life that I wanted, simple and light, going in and out from my parent's house and hang-out with my friends for some times. Now, I am meeting my college buddies and it was just a good timing, one of our friend gave birth to her baby boy, our first baby in our circle. I cant wait to see them in a while.

I decided to put off all my communication devices from the world, actually not, I am invisible at my Skype, left a voice message to my telephone, offline at Facebook, not answering calls and not giving any signs that I can access the cyber world anytime. Maybe this is not a good or right idea but this is what I wanted. I admit, I want to see who are the people who will give a shit to me, people who really cares, people who will be worried and people who will take time looking for me. Right now, I've been checking my accounts but no one does.

But who cares? Some people who I care about just don't give a shit. I have people who loves me, I can be a wealthy person without them, I don't have to take care of there life issues, I don't have to adjust my schedule just to catch up with them and I don't even have to be a friend of them. It's a relief to be free from the chains they attached me from them. Now, it's lighter and definitely, I can move on.

At this point, I feel some sort of silence, freedom and happiness. Silence from the chaos of thoughts that echoes in my head. Freedom from the want-to-be-selfish-me. And happiness to see people that still cares for me. It feels like a new start. It feels like you are a newly restored person, dormant and antagonist people can be easily erase. It would be a simple one when nothing is complicated and my happiness is within the circle.

It's humiliating to admit but yes, a small voice is coming from the dying part of me.. if only life is as easy as this.

Doreamon's love for Nobita

I might have 777 friends on facebook, 106 followers on twitter, 587 mafia members, thousands of acquaintances and circles of true great friends. A sole extraordinary friend plays the fairy-god-mother role in the tale of my life, her name is Jenna. She was not a childhood friend nor a growing up sister, she was a stranger. I met her on a hiring tour, 3 years ago and spent 3 months together at a Country Club in the United States for internship.

I grew up having friends but not a single best friend. Not because I was a spoiled brat, I just thought I don't need one. My mother, little brother and I had to live at my Grandma's House(Mother side) while my father(soldier) has to do his duty for the country. Together, we lived with Grandpa and Grandma, my 2 old maid aunts, my uncle with his wife and a daughter, my aunt and her husband and 2 kids, and another aunt, the youngest of the siblings. After couple of years, the number grew with 4 new cousins. Who needs a neighbor to be playmate? Who needs to be babysat and be left at a stranger's house or day care? I have them all in, I have cousins to play with and 3 additional mother.

No best friend? It didn't not concern me, my life revolved in my family and my life was as simple as a sunrise and sundown and my world rotates and revolves peacefully in it's right orbit. But time changes, my second parents(grandpa and grandma) left for eternal rest. My father did his part to serve our country, just time for him to rest and be with my mother for the rest of their life. My youngest aunt found her love and started her own family. My oldest cousin started building her career as a nurse and the rest of my cousins enjoy young life with their own circle of friends.

Considering these facts, I felt left behind. Yes, I have plenty of friends scattered around the world and numbers that I call my real friends. Although, I still feel isolated, unseen distance keeps me away from them.

However, I have a thin strong strand of thread that I've been keeping for myself and was  hooked with Jenna. I don't have any

Why I am writing?

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough cause it was not said to you and that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you. Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?

In this down part of my life, I tried all means of coping strategies to keep me away from misery. I started to find jobs that can occupy my spare time. Beautified my room and did all the works by my self to keep me busy in my apartment. Asked my friends for a dinner with me. Worked hard researching for my Marketing job. After all of this, I still end up in my room, facing my laptop and waiting for him to appear in my screen.

I am fully aware, my heart is screaming out loud from pain, my body starts to weaken from sleepless night, my eyes endeavor not to be drown from my tears, my lips will voluntarily to talk for me and my brain would choose to be in coma so I can stop playing the movie of him.

In the track of my life, this is drama keeps repeating itself. Maybe my friends wont admit, but my track already sounds like a band who plays bad. I am not saying that my friends already gave up on me, I believe that I can still run and rely to them. But for now, I choose not to. I admit, I am restless for being in the same situation every now and then for a long time now.

Then, I came to a realization, escaping from hurt and denial is just an illusion and does not take me out of the hole. I stopped going for job interviews, for end I keep deciding not to push through the offered job. I stopped adding more stuffs in my room, surprised to see how narrow it is that I can breath. I stopped inviting my friends for dinner because yes, I look like a looser. And I stopped overwhelming my data sheets and started to do the interactive works. Still I am ending inside my room, facing the laptop, waiting and finally talk to me.

Seems like my world vanished behind me, all I can see is my computer, the port to vanished world. All of me is exhausted but a part of me keeps the fate that I can make it through this. I was inspired to be back in writing. Now, I can find better jobs in the internet, I can talk to my friends without disturbing them, I can get use with my narrow room and spend time working on my Marketing Plan. And I must admit, spending more time waiting for him and worse, writing about him?

Some people might even think I am pathetic and hopeless romantic. I am like most of the other writers, we write with emotions, pains and struggles. We are intelligent idiots. We let the world know how it will be like become a looser. We run into writing to save us from misery. I would agree that writing would help as an outlet of UNSAID emotions but in the end part, I need to do what I exactly need to do.

I build my self up and fly around in circles wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle. finally could this it be?

I was inspired by the song Chasing Pavements by Adele. Yes, it can be a theme song of this chapter of my life.