One Small Step

It's now or never. I admit to be a coward in saying what I really feel. I am afraid to be humiliated. BUT NOW, I don't give a damn. It's time to me to get out of my coil, spread my wings and let people(him) see my real beauty.

I made a note for him about how to be missed by me. Why I wrote it? It's in the letter too. 

I’ve been missing you a lot more lately. Especially that I have the same life set up there at St. Louis and here. Living on my own is so different not having you around. I’ve wanted to tell this to you while ago, I just don’t know how. Every time I attempt to talk, I get nervous and just say or ask nonsense. HAHAHAHA I look like an idiot making awkward expressions and talking inside my head while typing this. I’m undecided to send this or just say it. Causes I won’t know how will you react and what will run in your mind when you read this. But if I’ll talk it with you, I’ll be able to see your reaction and you can immediately tell me what will run in your mind.

It’s been more than an hour of decision-making cause there is tough debate going on in my mind. You woke up (I don’t know if you'll remember or not) to check your laptop, you might wonder why my video was dark. I did it on purpose, for you not to freak out (because I’m still here) so you can get back to sleep. And just you to know, you make me nervous whenever you make movements! HAHA

(After an hour and 30 minutes) So, I think, I better tell it this way because if not, it will be junked in my mind. The reasons why I am saying this? I wanted to be fair and honest not just to you but to myself as well. And this is my way to relief the distress from the longing that I feel right now. I don’t want to be passive, letting the longing die a natural death worthless. But I don’t want to take the longing out of my system either, it’s a bittersweet thing that I want/like/love to keep.

I think, I said too much. I'm nervous on what he might say. This feels so unreal. Let's give it a shot!

Why I am writing?

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough cause it was not said to you and that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you. Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?

In this down part of my life, I tried all means of coping strategies to keep me away from misery. I started to find jobs that can occupy my spare time. Beautified my room and did all the works by my self to keep me busy in my apartment. Asked my friends for a dinner with me. Worked hard researching for my Marketing job. After all of this, I still end up in my room, facing my laptop and waiting for him to appear in my screen.

I am fully aware, my heart is screaming out loud from pain, my body starts to weaken from sleepless night, my eyes endeavor not to be drown from my tears, my lips will voluntarily to talk for me and my brain would choose to be in coma so I can stop playing the movie of him.

In the track of my life, this is drama keeps repeating itself. Maybe my friends wont admit, but my track already sounds like a band who plays bad. I am not saying that my friends already gave up on me, I believe that I can still run and rely to them. But for now, I choose not to. I admit, I am restless for being in the same situation every now and then for a long time now.

Then, I came to a realization, escaping from hurt and denial is just an illusion and does not take me out of the hole. I stopped going for job interviews, for end I keep deciding not to push through the offered job. I stopped adding more stuffs in my room, surprised to see how narrow it is that I can breath. I stopped inviting my friends for dinner because yes, I look like a looser. And I stopped overwhelming my data sheets and started to do the interactive works. Still I am ending inside my room, facing the laptop, waiting and finally talk to me.

Seems like my world vanished behind me, all I can see is my computer, the port to vanished world. All of me is exhausted but a part of me keeps the fate that I can make it through this. I was inspired to be back in writing. Now, I can find better jobs in the internet, I can talk to my friends without disturbing them, I can get use with my narrow room and spend time working on my Marketing Plan. And I must admit, spending more time waiting for him and worse, writing about him?

Some people might even think I am pathetic and hopeless romantic. I am like most of the other writers, we write with emotions, pains and struggles. We are intelligent idiots. We let the world know how it will be like become a looser. We run into writing to save us from misery. I would agree that writing would help as an outlet of UNSAID emotions but in the end part, I need to do what I exactly need to do.

I build my self up and fly around in circles wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle. finally could this it be?

I was inspired by the song Chasing Pavements by Adele. Yes, it can be a theme song of this chapter of my life.