Why I am writing?

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough cause it was not said to you and that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you. Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?

In this down part of my life, I tried all means of coping strategies to keep me away from misery. I started to find jobs that can occupy my spare time. Beautified my room and did all the works by my self to keep me busy in my apartment. Asked my friends for a dinner with me. Worked hard researching for my Marketing job. After all of this, I still end up in my room, facing my laptop and waiting for him to appear in my screen.

I am fully aware, my heart is screaming out loud from pain, my body starts to weaken from sleepless night, my eyes endeavor not to be drown from my tears, my lips will voluntarily to talk for me and my brain would choose to be in coma so I can stop playing the movie of him.

In the track of my life, this is drama keeps repeating itself. Maybe my friends wont admit, but my track already sounds like a band who plays bad. I am not saying that my friends already gave up on me, I believe that I can still run and rely to them. But for now, I choose not to. I admit, I am restless for being in the same situation every now and then for a long time now.

Then, I came to a realization, escaping from hurt and denial is just an illusion and does not take me out of the hole. I stopped going for job interviews, for end I keep deciding not to push through the offered job. I stopped adding more stuffs in my room, surprised to see how narrow it is that I can breath. I stopped inviting my friends for dinner because yes, I look like a looser. And I stopped overwhelming my data sheets and started to do the interactive works. Still I am ending inside my room, facing the laptop, waiting and finally talk to me.

Seems like my world vanished behind me, all I can see is my computer, the port to vanished world. All of me is exhausted but a part of me keeps the fate that I can make it through this. I was inspired to be back in writing. Now, I can find better jobs in the internet, I can talk to my friends without disturbing them, I can get use with my narrow room and spend time working on my Marketing Plan. And I must admit, spending more time waiting for him and worse, writing about him?

Some people might even think I am pathetic and hopeless romantic. I am like most of the other writers, we write with emotions, pains and struggles. We are intelligent idiots. We let the world know how it will be like become a looser. We run into writing to save us from misery. I would agree that writing would help as an outlet of UNSAID emotions but in the end part, I need to do what I exactly need to do.

I build my self up and fly around in circles wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle. finally could this it be?

I was inspired by the song Chasing Pavements by Adele. Yes, it can be a theme song of this chapter of my life.

The Unsaid

I was an intern for a year in a prestigious hotel at the Mound City of United States of America. I went there with a strong conviction not to involve to anyone(especially to a foreigner), just so to stay focus on achieving my 5 specific goals in life (1M saving, house of my own, own car, established business and another house for my parents). I've been not into relationship for more than 2 years before I went there last year. This holds me in the fact, that I can surely survive without a man in my life for some 2 or 5 more years to come.

But fate was cruel, a young fresh graduate from Culinary Institute of America was hired 2 months after I arrived at the hotel. I kinda like him at first but just because I've been dreaming to marry a guy who knows how to cook and will surely make up with my lack of cooking abilities. I worked at the front-of-the-house as a serves and he cooks at the kitchen of the restaurant where I am working. Eventually, we started with a good work relationship and not expecting anything more than that. Laughs and jokes were thrown to each other casually.

It was almost end of November when he asked my roommate, who happens to be a intern/cook at the same restaurant to have the 3 of us hangout for sometime. With that, I became suspicious on his intentions. Surprisingly, the admiration I have for him suddenly bloomed with tickling feelings. The feelings that I realized my heart have been missing for a long time.

We started dating in the middle of December, the pictures went really fast. The misinterpreted wink from me was responded with a touch on my hand. I stilled my hand, ignored and convinced myself that it is not happening. This signaled him to go further, he slowly topped his hand in to my hand that almost cover all my fingers. Overwhelmed with the warmness of the his hands and growing excitement in my chest, I flipped my hand and let his hands lock in mine.

I went in a relationship not knowing who he really was. I let the fact that, I work with him often enough to convince myself that he is nice and worth a try. I can say, he is a good catch, smart, tall, charming face, good sense of humor and open minded. I was certainly happy that I unknowingly caught is attention. We've dated and start to learn more of each other from time to time and boosted my admiration for him so fast.

The word dating is defined differently by an American and a Filipino. Yes, I accepted the american definition that dating is a girl and a boy who acts to be couple. And yes, it does not mean to officially into a relationship.These are the exact opposite of the principles that I grew up with. I deal with the relationship in american way but deep within me, it should have been much better if it's in a Filipino way.

My feelings for him grew bigger and bigger each day. I was certain that I fixed my self to hold back, try not to fall and still stay focused with my goals, but I was not that strong. I lost the grip on the rope that holds me and I finally fall. To save my pride, I kept it in myself and never admitted the feeling. Within me are questions, is he having the same feelings to me too? What the exact relationship that we have? Who am I in his life? Pride kept me in that place cause I never wanted to be a looser. I was afraid of answers, I was afraid to loose him as a lover but I was more afraid to loose him as a friend.

Yes, I fell in love. As a consequence, I was clouded and forgot myself. I kept myself from expecting that he might have the same feelings like I have for him and believing that everything will be over when once I got home. To realize not to be loved back was not just hard and heavy feeling, it was a more of a suffering. There were lots of sleepless nights, used tissues to wipe my gushing tears and most of all, chances to be happy was not grabbed.

Now, what happened to the principle I kept in myself? Can I survive even just a year?  Can I keep myself from loving him? Can I put bring back the happy life that I have? I've been struggling for so long. The ending that I was expecting didn't happen, in fact it went worse when the unsaid made its own way to be relieved.