If only live is as easy as this....

I left the city for the weekend last Thursday night, it only means I left my laptop, my sad room and my portal to the other world. I'm at my parent's house right now to do some family obligations. I was with my so-called adopting family last night, had fun drinks with my sisters, good morning times and lunch later. This is the kind of life that I wanted, simple and light, going in and out from my parent's house and hang-out with my friends for some times. Now, I am meeting my college buddies and it was just a good timing, one of our friend gave birth to her baby boy, our first baby in our circle. I cant wait to see them in a while.

I decided to put off all my communication devices from the world, actually not, I am invisible at my Skype, left a voice message to my telephone, offline at Facebook, not answering calls and not giving any signs that I can access the cyber world anytime. Maybe this is not a good or right idea but this is what I wanted. I admit, I want to see who are the people who will give a shit to me, people who really cares, people who will be worried and people who will take time looking for me. Right now, I've been checking my accounts but no one does.

But who cares? Some people who I care about just don't give a shit. I have people who loves me, I can be a wealthy person without them, I don't have to take care of there life issues, I don't have to adjust my schedule just to catch up with them and I don't even have to be a friend of them. It's a relief to be free from the chains they attached me from them. Now, it's lighter and definitely, I can move on.

At this point, I feel some sort of silence, freedom and happiness. Silence from the chaos of thoughts that echoes in my head. Freedom from the want-to-be-selfish-me. And happiness to see people that still cares for me. It feels like a new start. It feels like you are a newly restored person, dormant and antagonist people can be easily erase. It would be a simple one when nothing is complicated and my happiness is within the circle.

It's humiliating to admit but yes, a small voice is coming from the dying part of me.. if only life is as easy as this.

One Small Step

It's now or never. I admit to be a coward in saying what I really feel. I am afraid to be humiliated. BUT NOW, I don't give a damn. It's time to me to get out of my coil, spread my wings and let people(him) see my real beauty.

I made a note for him about how to be missed by me. Why I wrote it? It's in the letter too. 

I’ve been missing you a lot more lately. Especially that I have the same life set up there at St. Louis and here. Living on my own is so different not having you around. I’ve wanted to tell this to you while ago, I just don’t know how. Every time I attempt to talk, I get nervous and just say or ask nonsense. HAHAHAHA I look like an idiot making awkward expressions and talking inside my head while typing this. I’m undecided to send this or just say it. Causes I won’t know how will you react and what will run in your mind when you read this. But if I’ll talk it with you, I’ll be able to see your reaction and you can immediately tell me what will run in your mind.

It’s been more than an hour of decision-making cause there is tough debate going on in my mind. You woke up (I don’t know if you'll remember or not) to check your laptop, you might wonder why my video was dark. I did it on purpose, for you not to freak out (because I’m still here) so you can get back to sleep. And just you to know, you make me nervous whenever you make movements! HAHA

(After an hour and 30 minutes) So, I think, I better tell it this way because if not, it will be junked in my mind. The reasons why I am saying this? I wanted to be fair and honest not just to you but to myself as well. And this is my way to relief the distress from the longing that I feel right now. I don’t want to be passive, letting the longing die a natural death worthless. But I don’t want to take the longing out of my system either, it’s a bittersweet thing that I want/like/love to keep.

I think, I said too much. I'm nervous on what he might say. This feels so unreal. Let's give it a shot!

Doreamon's love for Nobita

I might have 777 friends on facebook, 106 followers on twitter, 587 mafia members, thousands of acquaintances and circles of true great friends. A sole extraordinary friend plays the fairy-god-mother role in the tale of my life, her name is Jenna. She was not a childhood friend nor a growing up sister, she was a stranger. I met her on a hiring tour, 3 years ago and spent 3 months together at a Country Club in the United States for internship.

I grew up having friends but not a single best friend. Not because I was a spoiled brat, I just thought I don't need one. My mother, little brother and I had to live at my Grandma's House(Mother side) while my father(soldier) has to do his duty for the country. Together, we lived with Grandpa and Grandma, my 2 old maid aunts, my uncle with his wife and a daughter, my aunt and her husband and 2 kids, and another aunt, the youngest of the siblings. After couple of years, the number grew with 4 new cousins. Who needs a neighbor to be playmate? Who needs to be babysat and be left at a stranger's house or day care? I have them all in, I have cousins to play with and 3 additional mother.

No best friend? It didn't not concern me, my life revolved in my family and my life was as simple as a sunrise and sundown and my world rotates and revolves peacefully in it's right orbit. But time changes, my second parents(grandpa and grandma) left for eternal rest. My father did his part to serve our country, just time for him to rest and be with my mother for the rest of their life. My youngest aunt found her love and started her own family. My oldest cousin started building her career as a nurse and the rest of my cousins enjoy young life with their own circle of friends.

Considering these facts, I felt left behind. Yes, I have plenty of friends scattered around the world and numbers that I call my real friends. Although, I still feel isolated, unseen distance keeps me away from them.

However, I have a thin strong strand of thread that I've been keeping for myself and was  hooked with Jenna. I don't have any

i'm a Unicorn

I checked my e-mail today, one of them is a matching Job List from a popular Internet Recruiting Website. I've been looking for a Restaurant Manager Position lately. I saw an opening on a popular Fast Food Chain in the world, I thought to give it a try. I thought,  once you signed in, with email and password, all you have to do is to wait for a call, text or e-mail after days or weeks. But of course, it's famous restaurant, getting a job at their company is not just 3 mouse clicks. They as for some sound pounding our fringes to the keyboard too.

The  first question was, Assess your self. - this is not actually a question, it's an imperative sentence commanding me to tell my who I am.

My answer Goes this way,

I am a person with discipline, respect, rationality and good sense of humor. In an early age, I've learned to be independent, make savings from my allowance and made my specific goals in life. I am strict with myself, I set my goals with a timeline to follow. I have a strong faith in God, courteous with my parents and honors everyone's right of life. I have an open minded, new ideas interest me, I entertain comments from others and respects everyone's individuality. I am pleasantly crazy, I love doing everything light, I crack silly jokes from time to time and laugh on my problems. I am like an ordinary girl, who loves dresses, bags and shoes but one thing that distinct me from them, I do not go with the trend, I love to be unique.

One more question was, Why should we hire you?

You should hire me because I am confidently fit with the job. and I a big potential to be an asset to your company.

I am blogging this because I feel like the assessing myself part is answered not for a job application. I feel like it's more than that. I think, this should be my description for my blogs from now on.

Why I am writing?

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough cause it was not said to you and that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you. Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?

In this down part of my life, I tried all means of coping strategies to keep me away from misery. I started to find jobs that can occupy my spare time. Beautified my room and did all the works by my self to keep me busy in my apartment. Asked my friends for a dinner with me. Worked hard researching for my Marketing job. After all of this, I still end up in my room, facing my laptop and waiting for him to appear in my screen.

I am fully aware, my heart is screaming out loud from pain, my body starts to weaken from sleepless night, my eyes endeavor not to be drown from my tears, my lips will voluntarily to talk for me and my brain would choose to be in coma so I can stop playing the movie of him.

In the track of my life, this is drama keeps repeating itself. Maybe my friends wont admit, but my track already sounds like a band who plays bad. I am not saying that my friends already gave up on me, I believe that I can still run and rely to them. But for now, I choose not to. I admit, I am restless for being in the same situation every now and then for a long time now.

Then, I came to a realization, escaping from hurt and denial is just an illusion and does not take me out of the hole. I stopped going for job interviews, for end I keep deciding not to push through the offered job. I stopped adding more stuffs in my room, surprised to see how narrow it is that I can breath. I stopped inviting my friends for dinner because yes, I look like a looser. And I stopped overwhelming my data sheets and started to do the interactive works. Still I am ending inside my room, facing the laptop, waiting and finally talk to me.

Seems like my world vanished behind me, all I can see is my computer, the port to vanished world. All of me is exhausted but a part of me keeps the fate that I can make it through this. I was inspired to be back in writing. Now, I can find better jobs in the internet, I can talk to my friends without disturbing them, I can get use with my narrow room and spend time working on my Marketing Plan. And I must admit, spending more time waiting for him and worse, writing about him?

Some people might even think I am pathetic and hopeless romantic. I am like most of the other writers, we write with emotions, pains and struggles. We are intelligent idiots. We let the world know how it will be like become a looser. We run into writing to save us from misery. I would agree that writing would help as an outlet of UNSAID emotions but in the end part, I need to do what I exactly need to do.

I build my self up and fly around in circles wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle. finally could this it be?

I was inspired by the song Chasing Pavements by Adele. Yes, it can be a theme song of this chapter of my life.

The Unsaid

I was an intern for a year in a prestigious hotel at the Mound City of United States of America. I went there with a strong conviction not to involve to anyone(especially to a foreigner), just so to stay focus on achieving my 5 specific goals in life (1M saving, house of my own, own car, established business and another house for my parents). I've been not into relationship for more than 2 years before I went there last year. This holds me in the fact, that I can surely survive without a man in my life for some 2 or 5 more years to come.

But fate was cruel, a young fresh graduate from Culinary Institute of America was hired 2 months after I arrived at the hotel. I kinda like him at first but just because I've been dreaming to marry a guy who knows how to cook and will surely make up with my lack of cooking abilities. I worked at the front-of-the-house as a serves and he cooks at the kitchen of the restaurant where I am working. Eventually, we started with a good work relationship and not expecting anything more than that. Laughs and jokes were thrown to each other casually.

It was almost end of November when he asked my roommate, who happens to be a intern/cook at the same restaurant to have the 3 of us hangout for sometime. With that, I became suspicious on his intentions. Surprisingly, the admiration I have for him suddenly bloomed with tickling feelings. The feelings that I realized my heart have been missing for a long time.

We started dating in the middle of December, the pictures went really fast. The misinterpreted wink from me was responded with a touch on my hand. I stilled my hand, ignored and convinced myself that it is not happening. This signaled him to go further, he slowly topped his hand in to my hand that almost cover all my fingers. Overwhelmed with the warmness of the his hands and growing excitement in my chest, I flipped my hand and let his hands lock in mine.

I went in a relationship not knowing who he really was. I let the fact that, I work with him often enough to convince myself that he is nice and worth a try. I can say, he is a good catch, smart, tall, charming face, good sense of humor and open minded. I was certainly happy that I unknowingly caught is attention. We've dated and start to learn more of each other from time to time and boosted my admiration for him so fast.

The word dating is defined differently by an American and a Filipino. Yes, I accepted the american definition that dating is a girl and a boy who acts to be couple. And yes, it does not mean to officially into a relationship.These are the exact opposite of the principles that I grew up with. I deal with the relationship in american way but deep within me, it should have been much better if it's in a Filipino way.

My feelings for him grew bigger and bigger each day. I was certain that I fixed my self to hold back, try not to fall and still stay focused with my goals, but I was not that strong. I lost the grip on the rope that holds me and I finally fall. To save my pride, I kept it in myself and never admitted the feeling. Within me are questions, is he having the same feelings to me too? What the exact relationship that we have? Who am I in his life? Pride kept me in that place cause I never wanted to be a looser. I was afraid of answers, I was afraid to loose him as a lover but I was more afraid to loose him as a friend.

Yes, I fell in love. As a consequence, I was clouded and forgot myself. I kept myself from expecting that he might have the same feelings like I have for him and believing that everything will be over when once I got home. To realize not to be loved back was not just hard and heavy feeling, it was a more of a suffering. There were lots of sleepless nights, used tissues to wipe my gushing tears and most of all, chances to be happy was not grabbed.

Now, what happened to the principle I kept in myself? Can I survive even just a year?  Can I keep myself from loving him? Can I put bring back the happy life that I have? I've been struggling for so long. The ending that I was expecting didn't happen, in fact it went worse when the unsaid made its own way to be relieved.

Visibly Invisible

A person does not live to exist, rather to exist to live. I grew up with assumption that each 6.97 Billion individuals in the world has their own purpose of existence. A purpose to live and exist.


I am debating on the question on when does one person starts to exist. A part of me thinks that a person starts to exist once it got out of a woman's womb and started to breath in their own. The other side of me believes that it is when a woman started to conceive. I strongly believe, once a male gamete or sperm fertilized a female gamete or the egg a person started to exist. Existence exist when a person has life, heath beat and cability to be human.


Then living is the next step. Existing is not a choice of a person, thus being born and conceived is a natural fate. Living is either a choice or not. An infant lives not because of their choice but because of their parents will. Of course, a child is an underdeveloped human, their existence is born to survive. Then a person grow and become an individual who lives in its own. In this point, living is a matter of choice.


Each person survives for existence, a person who breaths and a heart beat is considered to be existing. In some point of life, as a developed human the definition of living has become complex. Living is not merely to survive the daily basis of life nonetheless living with a purpose.


Now, I come into the realization that living does not always come with existence. These two words serves their own definition. Exist is to physically stand in life however Live is to become meaningful not just some people's life but most importantly to its own life.


An individual is not born just to live for existence. A person must go beyond existence and stand up to serve the purpose of humanity. Live with no limit. Live not for someone or something but for itself. Live to give love. And live to be loved.